


Fero Feritas's Love Advice From All Creation

by codeswitch, Poetry



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Audio Format: MP3, Awkward Flirting, Bad Advice From Animals, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, Podfic Length: 45-60 Minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 02:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14707409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codeswitch/pseuds/codeswitch, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetry/pseuds/Poetry
Summary: Or: Nine times Fero got advice on his love life from animals, and one time an animal got dating advice from him.





	Fero Feritas's Love Advice From All Creation

**Author's Note:**

> All of the animal behavior shown in this fic, except for the part where they can talk, is real.

[Download or Stream Podfic](https://app.box.com/s/2f8vrmqoqyi53wu2mc7uhwtlu906gbdg)

#  1\. Sheep

“...and then he’s going to borrow a violin from the Archives and play me this song he wrote about the mountains, because he really liked the hike through the mountains I took him on yesterday. He said it was _awe-inspiring_. Lem’s really good at the violin.”

Fero’s friend, who was a teenaged bighorn sheep he called Clover, sighed and said, “Mountainer,” which was her name for him, “have you ever thought about taking a mate?”

“Uh, no? Why would I want to do that? Then I’d have to follow someone around instead of going wherever I want. I’d have to structure my whole life. It’s just not worth it. Most people suck anyway.”

“I’m not talking about most people,” Clover said, long-sufferingly. “I’m talking about _Lem_.”

Fero nearly fell off his boulder perch. “Wait, what?”

“You know I enjoy climbing together,” Clover said, “but lately I hear nothing from you but Lem did this and Lem said that. You follow him everywhere _anyway_. You clearly want to be mates. Like those two lovebird rams in my herd, the ones that always graze together on the southern slope. So just go get him and put me out of my misery.”

“Oh shit,” Fero said, turning into a sheep so he could leap off his boulder and join her uphill. “Is this what it’s like to want a mate? I had no idea. No wonder you guys bash each other in the head over it.”

Clover tore up a clump of grass with her teeth and snorted. “That’s just the males. You’d never see me doing anything that silly. Besides, my horns aren’t big enough.”

“So, uh, how do I do that?”

“Do what? Bash someone in the head? I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“No! Get Lem to be my mate.”

Clover side-eyed him. Sheep were way too good at side-eyeing people, with their weird horizontal pupils. “How should I know? I’m a teenager. I’ve never had a mate. You’re an adult, you’re supposed to know how to do these things.”

“Yyyyep,” said Fero. “That’s me. An adult who totally knows how to do this.”

#  2\. Bat

“Thanks for coming, everyone,” Fero said, repeating himself in the different languages of the animals that had gathered around his cave home. He stood on a tree stump so everyone could see him. “Please don’t eat anyone on the committee – we’re doing a temporary predator-prey truce right now so you can all help me figure out how to get a boyfriend. Hey, you, snake. I see you eyeing those crickets. I’m watching you. Okay. So. Who’s got ideas?”

The garter snake, who had slithered away from the crickets to sulk, raised his head and said, “Hey, I’m _great_ at getting guys. When I came out of hibernation this spring, I was really cold, so I put out a bunch of pheromones to get some guys. A whole bunch of them came over and started up an orgy, and I was _so warm_. You should try that. It was _great_.”

Fero fell off his tree stump laughing. “I don’t want an orgy full of guys, I just want _this one guy_. Man, you are an _overachiever_.”

“Can you sing?” one of the crickets said. “I find that really sexy in a man.”

Fero got back on the tree stump. “Ehh, I’m not that great. And Lem’s a musician, he’s not gonna be impressed.”

“Forget singing,” a stag said. “You gotta _roar_. The only thing that gets my harem in the mood is constant roaring.”

Fero nearly fell off the tree stump again imagining how Lem would react if he roared at him. Probably just tell him to turn into a lion and get it out of his system. “All right, we’ve got orgy pheromones, singing, roaring… any other ideas? Keep ‘em coming.”

A fly buzzed her wings and said, “You’ve gotta have a gift. Some nice food. I only mate with a male who brings me some nice juicy prey wrapped up in silk.”

“Oh, that’s a good one, I’ll remember that one,” Fero said. “Yeah, hi, termite queen, I see you waving your antennae over there. Whatcha got?”

“When my king couldn’t decide whether he wanted me or not, I invited another male to my nest. He got terribly jealous and fought off the new male, and then he was ready to commit. I think finding another male and using him to start a fight would really get passions flaring.”

“Pfffft,” Fero said. “Who would I even get? Another orc from the Archives? Lem never fights when he can just talk his way out of something. He’d just say, ‘Oh, you two have fun’ and go to his room. Next!”

A flying fox hanging upside down from a tree branch waved her wing. “I’ll tell you how I seduced my girlfriend. _Grooming_. I hugged her and licked her fur until she looked all clean and nice, and she was super into it. Everyone likes to look good, and it’s a way to get all close to a hottie.”

Fero pointed at her. “I like the way you think, bat. I’m gonna try that one. This session of the Get Fero a Boyfriend Committee is over.”

Later, Fero met Lem at his favorite spot, a sculpture garden in the middle of the caldera of the New Archives. He landed next to Lem on a bench and turned back into a halfling. “So, Lem,” Fero said loudly before he could lose his nerve. “You like hair braiding, right?”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Fero felt incredibly stupid. Lem had his hair in two beautiful braids already, woven through with brown and black thread that was probably a pattern that did something cool. There was no way he could do a better job than that. 

Lem’s face lit. “Oh! Are you finally going to let me do something about your hair? It’s an appalling rat’s nest.”

This was not going according to plan at all, but Fero wasn’t going to say no to that offer. “Yeah, sure, go ahead.”

Lem took Fero to one of the public baths, dunked his head in a basin _without any warning_ , and scrubbed at his hair roughly with a soapy hand. It was kind of totally hot that Lem could get his whole scalp clean with just one hand, Fero thought, even as he sputtered and squawked at the rough treatment. When Lem was satisfied, he wrung out Fero’s hair, toweled it, and stood him on a bench. He knelt behind Fero so his face was level with the back of his head. Fero wished it had been the front. It would be fun to talk to Lem at eye level, where all he’d have to do would be just to lean forward and…

Then Lem’s fingers were moving gently, surely through his hair, and Fero’s knees went weak. The bat was right. Grooming was a great way to seduce someone. Except Fero wasn’t the one who needed seducing. 

“Can I put a pattern in?” said Lem.

“No,” Fero said. 

“Just a little one? It’ll keep your hair clean.”

Fero sighed. “Fine.” But he only agreed because then he’d get to carry a bit of Lem’s magic with him, even if it was weird magic he didn’t get at all.

Lem tied off the braid and turned Fero around. They were face-to-face, for once. Fero got a really good look at his tusked smile. “Well hello there, wild mountain man.”

Fero’s mouth was dry. He should probably do something boyfriend-getting right now but they were in the middle of a public bath with steamy naked orcs and he didn’t want an audience. “Hi.”

Lem moved aside and gestured. “There’s a mirror.”

“I look like an Archivist but smaller and with less pockets.”

“You’d make a dreadful Archivist. You hate anything old.”

“That’s not true. The mountains are _super_ old and they’re my favorite place.”

Lem stood and smoothed his hand down Fero’s new braid. “An Archivist of mountains, then.”

#  3\. Bowerbird

Fero went down the mountains into the humid forests, because he needed to get away for a little while. Down in the woods, he found something amazing. 

It looked like a broad, pointed tent made of finely woven sticks. Spread out across the entrance of the tent was a beautiful arrangement of berries, flowers, and beetle’s wings, sorted by color and size. Fero knelt in front of it to take in the full effect.

A gray bird about the size of Fero’s arm hopped up to him. “Is this yours?” Fero asked. “It’s so pretty.”

“Yes! Welcome to my bower!” the bird said grandly, fluttering out his wings. “I built it to delight my mates and dismay my rivals!”

“Oh, this isn’t your home?”

“No, it’s not for me at all! It’s a beautiful boudoir for my lovers to enjoy while I sing and dance for them.”

Fero inspected an inky spread of dark berries. “That, uh, that work out well for you?”

“Oh, splendidly. Gentlemen and ladies from miles around thrill to my artistic creation.”

“Huh. Neat.” 

Fero found a freshly fallen log on his way home, turned into a stag, and rolled it to his cave. He had to make something small enough that he could carry it to the Archives as an eagle, but still impressive. He got out his woodworking tools and carved a sconce for Lem’s wall. Over time, he made it look like an eagle holding up the candles in the wrists of its wings. At the bottom of the wall part of the sconce, he engraved a line from a poem about eagles he’d read somewhere. It took him days, and the eagle wasn’t as symmetrical as he wanted it, but finally he had some nice art he could carry with him to the New Archives as an eagle.

Fero landed awkwardly on Lem’s windowsill, careful not to drop the sconce, and tapped the glass with his beak. Lem, more or less used to this by now, opened the window to let him in. 

He dropped the sconce on Lem’s table, turned back into a halfling, and said, “Hey Lem! I made you a sconce for your wall.”

Lem held up the sconce, which looked a lot smaller in his big hands, and studied it. “Oh wow. I didn’t know you made art. This is fascinating. You have clear influences from the classic Rosemerrow sculpture tradition, Fero, did you know that?”

“What? No I don’t! I hate that old stuff, it’s so cheesy.”

“They always stylize the eyes this way,” Lem went on as if Fero hadn’t spoken, tracing his fingers over the eagle’s glare. “A bit more of the old Baroque style than the Odalisque, though… hang on…” He set down the sconce and reached for one of the many stacks of paper on the table. He started taking notes. “Oh, look at the poetry engraving at the bottom! Which poem is it from?”

An angry buzz went up Fero’s spine. He shifted from foot to foot. “I don’t know. It was just floating around my brain. Maybe I learned it in school or something.”

“I’ll have to look up Rosemerrow nature poetry,” Lem said, taking it down, “and engraving styles…”

When Fero was making the sconce, he pictured this going a bunch of different ways. Some of them ended with them making out, and some of them ended with Lem telling Fero his art was stupid and he was way too short to be Lem’s boyfriend, but in all of them, Lem was at least paying attention to him. He said quietly, “I wasn’t thinking about all that stuff when I made it. I just thought you might like it.”

“Hmm? What was that?” Lem said, not looking up from his notes. 

“Nothing,” Fero said. “I’m gonna go get some food. Have fun looking up old art or whatever.” He may have slammed the door a little behind him on his way out. 

#  4\. Fly

Lem had left a note on the rooftop that Fero flew by the Archives in eagle form to check every other day. _Meet me tomorrow in the arboretum._

The arboretum was a strange place for Fero. It was a green space in the New Archives, its branches humming with insects and birds that had stopped to snack on them. It spoke to Fero in a thousand voices he couldn’t hear anywhere else in the vast complex. But it was all sorted, cataloged, the shrubs arranged by size and region and labeled with plaques. Fero knew these trees by the way the leaves tasted, by the lizards he’d met in their canopies, not by the orc who’d discovered it in that year and this place.

The orcs in the arboretum were mostly there to tend to the plants, or do things with them for patterns. Only a couple were there just to relax. One of them was Lem, seated in the crook of a low, spreading tree. Fero landed next to him, and once he was a halfling again, settled half on top of him in the fork of the two branches.

Lem smiled down at him. “I thought you might like it here.”

“It’s weird,” Fero said. “I’ve never seen this kind of tree before. It must have come from somewhere far away.”

“The City of First Light, according to the plaque,” Lem said. “Getting the sapling all the way up here would have been quite a job.” He reached into one of his many pockets and pulled out a silk-wrapped package tied up with orange ribbon. He put it in Fero’s lap and said shyly, “This is for you.”

Fero grinned. He untied the package and found some kind of candy inside he’d never seen before. It smelled delicious. “Wow, what is this? Where’d you get it?”

“It’s candied ginger.” Lem rubbed the back of his neck. “I, ah, needed to give it as a gift as part of a pattern.” An angry prickle started up Fero’s spine, but before he could start yelling, Lem added, “I could have given it to anybody to suit the pattern, but I wanted to give it to you, because it’s very rare in the north and I thought you would like it.”

Fero ate one. It was spicy and sweet and sticky. “Mmmm, that’s good.” He caught Lem watching as he licked the sugar off his fingers, and suddenly remembered what the fly had said at the Get Fero a Boyfriend Committee. _You’ve gotta have a gift. Some nice food. I only mate with a male who brings me some nice juicy prey wrapped up in silk._

Fero sucked on his next finger more slowly. Lem licked his lips. Fero smiled, put the candies aside, and said, “This worked for me.”

Lem blinked slowly, eyelashes dark over his cheekbones. “What worked?”

“Your seduction strategy,” Fero said, and leaned over so he could kiss him. 

He just planted a big smack on Lem’s lips, not really knowing what else to do, but Lem made a startled, pleased sound high in his throat and pulled Fero in by his shoulders for a longer, closer kiss. Fero mouthed awkwardly at Lem’s tusks at first, making him laugh, then figured out how to work around them. He clutched at one of Lem’s braids, the complex weave rubbing deliciously along his skin. Fero wondered what kind of pattern was in there.

Below them, someone cleared their throat. Fero looked down and saw an Archivist with her arms crossed. “I have official permission to collect buds from this tree,” she said, waving a paper in the air. “If you don’t mind.”

“Hang on just a minute,” Fero called down. He turned back to Lem. “Before we climb down and you get distracted by something: are we gonna date now or what?”

“I would very much like to take you on a date once we are no longer in this tree, yes.”

“Okay,” Fero called down to the impatient Archivist. “My boyfriend and I are gonna go make out somewhere else. Good luck with your buds!”

#  5\. Stick Insect

“Come oooon. We can go again. Just lie back. You won’t even need to do any work. I’ll take care of you,” Fero said, nuzzling his cheek against Lem’s.

Lem looked down at Fero and raised an eyebrow. “And how are you going to do that, exactly?”

Fero looked down at himself and squawked. “What! I swear I was ready to go just a second ago, let me just…”

Lem batted Fero’s hand away from his dick. “Don’t bother. That song I was just humming was a pattern. It won’t be up again for hours.”

“You – I can’t believe you – why’d you do that?” Fero felt himself going brick red. 

“Because we’ve been going all night and you don’t know when to stop!” Lem said. “You were so shy before – you haven’t said, but I could tell I was your first. And now we’re a couple weeks in, and you’re insatiable! What’s gotten into you?”

Fero pressed a kiss to Lem’s tusk, which he knew Lem found really cute. “Nothing, you’re just irresistible. I look at you and all I can think about is how to make you make all those hot sex noises again.”

“Fero, you’re a hopeless liar. Out with it.”

Fero took a deep breath and said, “A walking stick told me you’d cheat on me if we didn’t have sex all the time.”

Lem sat bolt upright in bed. “A _walking stick_? _What_?!”

“You know, like the bug. The one that looks like a stick.”

Lem clutched at his hair. “That is different from what I thought and _equally bizarre_. You asked an insect for advice on our relationship?”

“I asked lots of animals for advice. They’re like my friends. Man, some of them gave really bad advice, though. There was this garter snake that told me I should put out a bunch of pheromones to get a bunch of guys for an orgy.” Fero leaned against Lem and laughed. “Get it? _Fero_ mones?”

Lem put a hand on the back of his neck. “Yes, Fero, very funny. Can we get back to the part where you thought the stick insect gave you good advice?”

“Well, apparently not, because I tried having sex with you all the time and now you’ve cockblocked me with pattern magic.”

Lem sagged back down into the bed. “Fero, I’m not going to cheat on you. If I decide I like someone else better, I’ll be sure to break up with you first before I try anything. Now will you please stop trying to seduce me and _go to sleep_.”

“Fine, but if you use pattern magic on my dick again, I’m going to be _so mad_.”

Lem snuffed out the candles in the eagle sconce Fero had made him, gathered him to his chest, and closed his eyes. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

#  6\. Spider

Fero stopped in a park in Velas to watch a spider swing himself out on a silk thread from a lamppost to a bench. “Wow,” he said. “Nice leap.”

“Why, thank you!” the spider said, in a whisper of his silk through the air. “You’re such a courteous humanoid. Most of your kind just try to crush me. But you make polite conversation! How are you doing today, young man?”

“Eh. Not so great.” Fero flopped down on the bench next to the spider. “How do you break up with someone?”

“Well, you’d better come up with a good escape plan,” the spider said, drumming its legs on the wood slat of the bench. “You’re very small for a humanoid. Most of them could eat you, easy.”

Fero jolted up from his slouch. “He’s not going to _eat me_ if I break up with him!” His eyes widened. “Is he? We have been fighting, like, constantly since we got to this Velas place.”

“Oh, it’s another male!” the spider said. “Well then, that’s not so bad. You’d still better come up with a good plan, though, just to be safe.”

“Ugh,” Fero said. “I guess I’d better. It just sucks, though. I’ve never broken up with someone before.”

A honeybee passing by sneered, “Complainer. You have it easy. Male bees only get to mate once. They explode off their penises inside the queen and then die.”

Fero went a little pale. “Yeah, okay, that is giving me some perspective.”

He went back to the room at the inn he and Lem were sharing. He opened up the window, wrote a note, turned into a sparrow, and perched on top of it. 

When Lem got back, which wasn’t until way late, he looked at Fero and his note, sighed, and said wearily, “What is it, Fero? Can’t you just be a person right now? Why is it always like this with you?”

Fero shook his head and pecked at the note.

Lem rubbed his face, came over, and read, “This isn’t working out between us. We keep arguing all the time. I think we should break up. I’m a bird right now so I can fly away if you get mad and decide to eat me.” He sat down heavily on the bed, then flopped backward to lie across it. “I’m not going to eat you, Fero. I’m actually ridiculously relieved. The arguing was getting on my last nerve but I had no idea what to do about it except end it with you, and I had no idea how to do that, so. You’ve solved a big problem for both of us.”

Lem was lying down, which meant Fero was probably safe. He turned back into a person. “And you’re not going to eat me the next time we see each other.”

“I’m not going to eat you at all, ever,” Lem said. “That’s a promise. So you can stop worrying over whichever animal told you I was going to.”

“It was a spider,” Fero said. “Hey. How’d you know an animal told me that?”

Lem threw an arm over his face. “I’d say it’s because you get all your worst ideas from animals, except that’s not even true.”

#  7\. Dolphin

Fero leaned his head over the side of the boat, hanging onto the rail and hoping for death. The only reason he wasn’t puking his guts out was that he didn’t need to eat. He was never going on a boat again. Ever.

He caught sight of a dolphin coming up for breath, its smooth gray skin shining in the moonlight. “Hey,” he called out to the dolphin, desperate for any distraction. It turned on its side to a flash a smile and came closer. 

Fero had never talked to a dolphin before, and it took him a little while to get a hang of all the screeching and squeaking, but it turned out not to be too different from bats, really. He figured out that the dolphin was asking him about his shipmates.

“The leader guy is Calhoun,” Fero explained. “He’s pretty cool. He was having a party when we asked him to take us on this trip and he brought the party with him on the boat. The really big one with the pretty red hair is Hella. Now she’s a _badass_. She could beat like five guys by herself. I mean, I don’t have to tell you that, you’ve seen how big her arms are, right?”

The dolphin laughed at him. “Pal, I don’t even _know_ how humanoids flirt, and _I_ can see how much you and your big green boyfriend want the warrior woman.”

Fero flushed. “Okay, first of all, he’s my _ex_ -boyfriend. Second of all, hang on a second, he has a crush on her too?”

“ _Ex_ -boyfriend?” the dolphin said. “You’d better fix that quick. You’ll never win over a warrior woman like that by yourself. Or if you did, you’d lose her in a second. My partner and I didn’t keep our mate for two whole months by fighting with each other and breaking our bond!”

“Oh, is that how dolphins usually do it?” Fero said. “I wish that were normal for people. It’d be a lot easier to ask someone out if I never had to do it by myself.”

“Well, you have to start somewhere. Before I proposed to my partner, I flopped around him like a clumsy calf for a month, much like you do with your warrior. But once I knew I had his love to support me, it was much easier for me to approach new mates.”

“Okaaay,” Fero said slowly. “So once I get Lem back on my team, how do we make our move on Hella?”

“Get her a bouquet of seaweed,” the dolphin suggested. “But like, _nice_ seaweed, not just whatever crap’s floating around.”

“There is _no way_ I am getting her seaweed,” Fero said hotly. “Then I’d have to go in the water. I hate the ocean. She probably wouldn’t even like it anyway. Seaweed stinks.”

“You _hate the ocean_?” the dolphin said, shooting up a jet of water from his blowhole in surprise. “Then what are you doing out here?”

“Lem and Hella said it would be a better idea to go to the tower by sea. I’m putting up with it for them. They should make out with me just for that, you know.”

“Well, good luck with that,” the dolphin said. “I still think you and your boyfriend should get her a seaweed bouquet. Or maybe a nice sponge.” And he swam off.

A little while later, a seal swam by. Fero called out, “Hey! Hey there, seal! If you were going to try to start something with your ex-boyfriend and a lady you both think is hot, what would you do?”

The seal blew out a stream of bubbles. Then he said in his low seal barks, “When I want to get my boyfriend in the mood, I just roll around with him and bite him on the neck. That really gets things going.”

“See, that’s a way better idea than diving for some stinky seaweed,” Fero said. “Thanks, seal.”

Someone came up behind Fero. “Who are you talking to?” It was Lem.

Fero jumped back from the rail. “Gah! Don’t sneak up on me like that!” He pointed out the seal. “I was talking to him. Thanks, buddy! Have a good night!”

Lem peered at the seal as it swam off. “Do I want to know what about?”

“No,” Fero said. “So, uh, a dolphin told me you’re into Hella.”

Lem threw his hands up in the air. “Are you _still_ taking dating advice from animals? We’ve been over and over how bad an idea that is!”

Fero squinted at him. “The dolphin was right, wasn’t he.”

Lem sighed. “All right, fine, the dolphin was right about that.”

“He said we have to ask her out together or it’ll never work.” Distinctively heavy footsteps came down the deck. “Here she comes! Back me up here.” Fero turned into a cougar, tackled Hella to the deck, and rolled with her, growling as they wrestled to be the one on top. When Fero managed to get the upper hand for a bit, he turned back into a person and started biting her neck. Hella gasped, not in a bad way, and bit him back. Fero squirmed around on top of her.

“Lem!” she called out, a little shrill. “Is there, uh, some special reason why Fero is attacking me right now?”

Lem knelt down next to them. Fero kept biting Hella’s neck, because she didn’t seem to be angry about it and it was fun. “This is just how Fero shows people he likes them,” Lem explained, “because he was literally raised by wolves.”

“I was not raised by wolves!” Fero protested. “They just give me advice sometimes.”

Hella narrowed her eyes at Lem. “And you know how Fero shows people he likes them because…”

“Because of precisely the reasons you think I do,” Lem finished. “I can assure you that while Fero follows absolutely terrible courtship advice from animals, he’s not nearly as hopeless in bed. Though if that part is due to _good_ advice from animals, I’d prefer not to know about it.”

“I don’t talk to animals about _sex_ ,” Fero said. “That’d be _weird_.”

“And talking to a dolphin about dating _isn’t_?” Lem demanded. “And let’s not forget the _walking stick_!”

“Boys,” Hella said. “Can we please stop shouting at each other and get to a bed? Rolling around and neck-biting really gets me in the mood and I don’t want to keep doing it on deck where anybody could see us.”

Fero grinned at Lem and Hella and dashed belowdecks. What did Lem know, anyway? Both the dolphin and the seal had been so right.

#  8\. Swallow

Fero had the last watch, and sat outside in the cold pre-dawn outside Velas, watching the swallows sampling the morning’s first insects. After watching one do a sweet dive after a fly, Fero shed his halfling form and joined him in the air. “How are you doing today?” Fero asked.

“Eating’s good,” the bird replied, which was weirdly terse for a swallow. 

“Hey,” Fero said, following him on the wing. “What’s wrong?”

“You can’t help,” the swallow said.

“Hey, you don’t know, maybe I can. And if I can’t, at least I can listen,” Fero offered.

“My mate has her eye on the neighbor,” the swallow said glumly. “She keeps trying to leave and go off with him.”

“Oh. You’re right. I can’t help with that. I am sorry, though,” said Fero, dipping to catch a fly of his own. “So what are you doing? To stop her from leaving you?”

“Whenever I think she’s about to leave and go to my neighbor’s territory, I scream like I saw a predator,” the swallow said. “Then she stays home so we can protect each other.”

“Huh,” Fero said. “That’s pretty smart.”

“Maybe,” the swallow said, “but it’ll only work as long as looking out for me is more important to her than leaving.”

“I hope she doesn’t leave you,” Fero said, and circled back around to the tent, where Lem and Hella began to stir in the first light of dawn.

They walked the last leg of the road to Velas. “Do you think anyone followed us here?” Fero said.

“We’ve been careful,” Hella said. “It’s been weeks and we haven’t seen anyone on our trail.”

“What if they’re five days behind us and when we get to Velas they catch up with us?”

“Fero, you can turn into a bird. If there is someone following five days behind us, they’re not gonna take you by surprise.”

“What if I turn into a bird and I see Brandish or somebody coming for us? Can I come get you? Will you go and beat him up?”

“Sure, if I’m still in town,” Hella said. “I’ve got to go back to Ordenna soon.”

“I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about, Fero,” Lem said. “You’re not in any danger, at least not from that quarter. But I can stay nearby for a day or two if it’ll ease your mind.”

The swallow was right. It was only a temporary fix. But at least they’d stick around for a few days longer.

#  9\. Monkey

On the road to Rosemerrow, Fero caught the scent of a hot spring on the air, sulfurous minerals in his keen wolf nose. He led Lem and Fantasmo there so they’d have a warm camp for the night. Once the tent was pitched and the fire was smoldering, Fero stripped down and got in the hot spring next to a snow monkey, who looked very comfortable and chill.

“Hi,” Fero said. “Is this your hot spring? Is it cool that I’m here too?”

The monkey snorted. “Shit, it’s a hot spring. Doesn’t belong to anybody. Just Hieron’s sweet generosity coming up to the surface.”

Fero grinned. “I like your attitude. Any more of you guys around?”

The monkey shrugged and picked out some dirt from her pale head-fur. “My boy-toy’s out foraging. He should be along soon.”

Fero wet his own hair and scrubbed at it. “A boy-toy? What’s a boy-toy?”

The monkey made an impressively obscene gesture with her mouth. “You know. We’re friends, we suck each other off sometimes, but we’re not gonna shack up and have kids or anything.”

“That sounds pretty sweet. I wish I had a boy-toy. Or maybe I could be the boy-toy. I’d be fine either way.”

The monkey glanced over to where Fantasmo was breaking out the fancy vegetarian rations he brought with him instead of the normal bland ones Lem had. “You’ve got a couple of boys with you, don’t you?”

“Fantasmo’s not a _boy_ , he’s an _old man_ ,” Fero said. “And I can’t be Lem’s boy-toy, he’s my ex.”

The monkey submerged, brought her head back up, and snorted again. “So you were mates before, and that means you can’t fuck now? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Huh,” said Fero. “You’re right. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Hey, come over here!” called another monkey from behind the treeline. “I found a carcass that isn’t totally frozen!”

“Oooh,” said Fero’s hot spring buddy. “I’d better go check that out. Good luck finding a boy-toy!” She emerged dripping from the water and loped toward the trees, frost gathering on her fur as she left the warm aura of the springs.

The snow crunched behind Fero. “Mind if I join you?” said Lem.

That meant Lem getting naked, which was perfect timing. “No, come on in!”

Lem got in the hot spring, naked and holding the potted plant he’d brought with him from Velas. “Do you have any idea how to take care of this plant?”

“Yeah, sure, I know a lot about plants,” Fero said breezily. He blocked out wet naked Lem from his mind for a second so he could focus on the plant. “Hey, buddy, you need anything?”

“ _Water_ ,” the plant said.

“Yeah, no problem,” Fero said, and splashed some hot spring water in. When he did, the plant released a cloud of pale spores in their faces. “Whoa, you’re excitable, aren’tcha?”

Lem carefully set the plant down beside his clothes. Fero’s nose itched from the spores. He felt like he was melting into the water. That was nice. Maybe Lem was melting too, and they could be liquid together. That idea was really sexy to him for some reason. Lem rubbed his cheek against the top of Fero’s head, hummed a little song, and flicked his fingers across the surface of the water, spreading droplets. “The Pattern is swirling in the steam,” he whispered, and suddenly Fero’s body and face muscles were so relaxed he couldn’t even talk, just let his mouth hang open in total bliss.

_Did you just use sex pattern magic on me?_ Fero wanted to say. He would have said it so sternly that Lem would have had no choice but to be embarrassed. But all that came out was “Mmmmnnnn,” so Fero just draped himself over Lem, because Lem using pattern magic for sexy things was really _annoying_ , but his new boy-toy plan was going _great_. Lem carded his fingers through Fero’s hair. He wriggled. “Guh!” 

“If you’re going to do _that_ ,” Fantasmo called out irritably from the fireside, “take it somewhere private and let _me_ have a soak.”

Lem hauled Fero over his shoulder. Fero flopped against his back. He was definitely the boy-toy here. That was fine by him. “Go ahead,” Lem said, gathering their clothes and the plant in his arms. “It’ll be good for your joints.”

“Oh, a joke about my age,” Fantasmo said. “How _droll_.” He finished up his meal and headed toward the hot springs. Fero wanted to say, _say hi to the snow monkeys for me_ , but Lem had pattern-magicked him quiet, and anyway he was about to get sex like he wanted, so Fantasmo could be a big grumpypants if he wanted to.

#  (+1.) Wolf

Fero walked toward the Mark of the Erasure just as himself. He was tired of his fuck-ups tearing the fabric of reality. If he didn’t transform, then at least he’d be doing _nothing_ to stop the world ending instead of making it _worse_. 

Some of the animals didn’t know the world was ending. Fero found a burrow of timber rattlesnakes, all cuddled together in a tangled pile, dreaming away the winter. He knelt by the entrance to the burrow, watching them. Maybe the Heat and the Dark would get them while they were hibernating. That wouldn’t be so bad. It would be like a sleep that never ended.

Leaves and ice crunched behind Fero. His hand went to the hilt of his short sword. Then he saw it was a wolf, and relaxed. “What are you doing here, little halfling?” the wolf said.

That surprised Fero. Animals usually didn’t start conversations with him, because they assumed that he couldn’t speak their language. “I’m taking a look at these hibernating rattlesnakes,” Fero said. The corner of his mouth turned up, just a little. “They remind me of this garter snake I met once. I asked him about how to get a boyfriend and he said I should use my pheromones to attract a bunch of guys and have an orgy so we could all keep warm together. Maybe that’s what these snakes are doing.”

The wolf sniffed at the burrow entrance, curious. Fero took a closer look at him. He was a pale wolf with blue eyes. He rested back on his haunches and looked at Fero. “The Nothing is coming. Is that what you think I should do? Find a lover or three to cling to until it comes?”

Fero bared his teeth. Making patterns, taking revenge, finding lovers – couldn’t anybody else see that they were all just distractions? “ _No_ ,” he said. “What’s the point of being with someone who’s just waiting for the Nothing? Someone who cares more about being comfortable or right than about hope? It’s like pouring your feelings down a well. You’ll never get them back. It doesn’t matter who you love or who you hate or what you wished you could do before. It matters if you stare down that big fucking purple _nightmare_ and you _fight._ ” Fero got to his feet and started back on the road. “Don’t look for a lover. I’m going to the Mark of the Erasure to face this thing. Come with me.”

The wolf joined Fero on the road. He was almost as tall as Fero at the shoulder. “I like you, little halfling. I will join you. I have a few ideas of what we might do. It would go faster, though, if you changed into a wolf and ran with me.”

“I can’t,” Fero said. “I’ve been erasing things into the Nothing every time I – wait a second, how did you know I can do that?”

“The same reason why I know you won’t erase me if you change,” the wolf said. “I am the Last Wolf Alive, and there are very few things in this world that can unmake me.”

Fero squinted at the wolf. “Hang on a second. Are you a god?”

The wolf’s blue eyes burned like a sky made into fire, and he didn’t have to say anything to make himself clear.

Fero laughed and turned into a wolf, small and scruffy and dark. “Finally, a god that doesn’t suck! You actually want to _do_ something! I mean, what are gods for if not to make things exist where they didn’t before?”

The god-wolf set off through the forest, and Fero followed right behind. “I’ve said the same thing for thousands of years, and much like you, that has left me with more enemies than friends.”

“As long as you’re fighting with me against the Heat and the Dark,” Fero said, “you can be my friend.” And so Fero ran, with the Last Wolf Alive, into the snow and the ruin.

**Author's Note:**

> Citations  
> Because I’m just that kind of nerd.
> 
> [Dagger fly](http://naturedocumentaries.org/10014/dagger-flies-empididae-mating-nuptial-gift/)  
> [Walking stick](https://www.hindawi.com/journals/psyche/1978/035784/abs/)  
> [Honeybee](https://www.thoughtco.com/sexual-suicide-by-honey-bees-1968100)  
> [Bottlenose](https://2ea282a2-a-62cb3a1a-s-sites.googlegroups.com/site/mannlabproject/file-cabinet/Mann-2006-Establishingtrust-socio-sexualbehaviourandthedevelopmentofmale-malebonds.pdf) [dolphin](http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-11-21/male-dolphins-gifting-sponges-to-females-in-courtship/9176920)  
> [Bighorn sheep, harbor seal](https://books.google.com/books/about/Biological_Exuberance.html?id=5CbRGV8AAIQC)  
> [Flying fox](http://www.italian-journal-of-mammalogy.it/Same-sex-sexual-behaviour-in-bats,77304,0,2.html)  
> [Garter snake](https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2001/11/1115_snakemating_2.html)  
> [Red deer](https://www.jstor.org/stable/4533969?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents)  
> [Swallow](https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Anders_Moller3/publication/263415038_Deceptive_use_of_alarm_calls/links/00b4953ac34bfc3872000000/Deceptive-use-of-alarm-calls.pdf)  
> [Snow monkey](http://pin.primate.wisc.edu/factsheets/entry/japanese_macaque/behav)


End file.
